"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."

"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."

"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."

"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car."

"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?!"

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."

"He who laughs last didn't get it."

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."